


philophobia

by agent_maximooof



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Cute, Fear of Discovery, Fluff, JackDaniels, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, commitment issues, our two favorite gays, sad boi jack, straight boi daniel, sugar gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 10:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17222285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_maximooof/pseuds/agent_maximooof
Summary: philophobia (n.) - fear of falling in love





	philophobia

Ever since he was a child, Jack Thompson never believed that he was going to fall in love with someone. He was raised to believe that he should find some pretty brunette, settle down, and have a bunch of kids but that terrified him. He didn't want the commitment that came with having a wife and children. He also couldn't find a single woman that he was attracted too, maybe a few men that he knew but that was all. But being a queer was a sin and it was illegal, so Jack decided that suppressing his homosexual urges were his best course of action. He slept with women throughout his time in college, dated plenty but he wasn't attracted to any of them. He wanted to be attracted to them, he wanted to be normal so badly, but it just never happened. Jack never told anyone that he was gay, as he didn't know any people like him and all the people he did know would throw him in jail the first chance they got if he did tell them. 

But then the war came, and Jack didn't need to put up any pretenses of being in a relationship. He did his job as a soldier, he did a hell of a good job at it, and continued to suppress the side of him that would have him thrown in jail. As the men around him spoke of their wives or girlfriends, he remained silent and imagined the wife or girlfriend he would have had if he wasn't born a queer. Maybe he would have married that brunette that his mother was always pressuring him to find whenever he visited home. But as these conversations dwindled down and down until they became nonexistent, Jack was glad that he wasn't tied down to anyone. After the war, he would be free to do and live wherever he pleased and he wouldn't have to think about how it would affect anyone else. 

So when the war ended and Jack returned back to the states with a shiny Navy Cross, he was happy to not be tied down to anyone. With his undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder, he restarted his toxic system of hooking up with women just to forget that he was queer. Maybe he actually wasn't and he just hadn't found the right dame for him yet were both lies that he told himself in order to rationalize why it mattered so much to him. Deep down, Jack just wanted to prove to himself that there was someone out there that he would fall in love with even though he's never even thought about someone with that much esteem before in his life. He still woke up in the dead of night covered in sweat and screams dying in his throat but at least he didn't have the burden of commitment to deal with. 

But then he got his job at the Strategic Scientific Reserve and met Agent Daniel Sousa, the S.S.R's resident cripple. His puppy-dog eyes somehow snagged Jack's attention the first time they met and his personality trapped him even farther. Agent Sousa had steadfast loyalty to the S.S.R and did double, even triple, the work as some of the other agents just to be treated like a secretary, all because he lost his leg fighting for his country. He was smart, funny, and somehow had managed to get Jack to be less afraid of falling in love with someone. But Sousa wasn't a queer and could do much better than Jack if he was, he deserved the world and Jack couldn't even offer one-fourth of that. It also didn't help that as a way for Jack to deny his admiration for Sousa, he took part in the name calling and the belittling of the man that quickly became commonplace in the S.S.R. office. The only person treated worse than Sousa in the office is Agent Peggy Carter, and that was only happening because she is a woman, as they treated her more of a secretary than an actual agent.  

Jack allowed his admiration, or crush, on Sousa to simmer for months, only being acknowledged in the dreams that Jack was most ashamed of. He didn't tell anyone, obviously, and he sure as hell didn't treat the other man differently because of it. He probably was rougher on him than the rest of the guys in the office because of his little crush. He also made sure that Chief Dooley rarely ever paired him up with Sousa, not wanting any more reason to be attracted to him. It didn't help that he looked utterly adorable in those sweater vests that he wore to work every single day. 

So that's why he was trying to saddle someone else with his night shift tonight. It would only be him and Sousa working the night shift, which would be the first time that they would be in the office alone together. Jack wasn't stupid enough to try anything with Sousa in general but let alone at their place of work. That would be the most obvious place to get caught and subsequently thrown into jail for the rest of their lives, even if it was only Jack trying something. Maybe Krzeminski would work the night shift for him tonight and then have Jack own him a favor or something like that. 

"Hey, Krzeminski, I have a favor to ask" Jack calls from his desk. 

Most of the other guys in the office are at lunch beside Jack and Krzeminski, including Sousa and Carter who always seemed to be inseparable. The more brutish looking agent looked at Jack with slightly narrowed eyes, maybe he knew what Jack was going to ask. 

"I'm not gonna cover the night shift for you, Thompson" Krzeminski responds before Jack has a chance to ask him.

"Why not? I'll make it up to you" Jack replied. 

"I have a date with my girlfriend tonight, so no" Krzeminski replied. 

Jack groaned as soon as Sousa and Carter walk back into the office. Their heads are bowed together and they're talking in low voices and they slowly walk back to their desks, their lunches in hand. Sousa looks over at Jack and gives him a small nod in recognition, one that Jack slowly reciprocates. Maybe it would be a good idea for Jack to learn how to respond to simple gestures from Sousa before they're the only two in the office once everyone else has gone home. Jack groans quietly before returning his attention to the paperwork on his desk in front of him. 

~**~

"Goodnight, Daniel" Jack hears Carter say later that evening. 

From out of the corner of his eyes, he sees that Carter has already put on her hat and jacket. Most of the other agents have already cleared out for the night, besides her, Chief Dooley, Sousa, and Jack anyway. The chief is still in his office and seems to be having a very heated discussion on the phone with someone. If it's his wife maybe Jack and Sousa won't be the only ones staying at the office after hours.

"Night, Peggy" Sousa says with a pleasant expression on his face.

Carter nods before walking towards the exit of the office, her high heels clicking against the tile the only sound in the entire room. Once she reaches the doorway, she turns around and gives Sousa an indecipherable look before moving her gaze over to Jack. They weren't close or even friendly by any means, but they were still colleagues which means they still have to extend pleasantries. 

"Goodnight, Thompson" Carter says politely. 

"Night, Carter" Jack responds with a small nod of his head. 

Carter does the same before exiting the office, leaving Jack and Sousa the only two in the main area of the office. Chief Dooley seems to be nearly done with his near screaming match with the person on the other end of the line so Jack guesses that he'll be leaving soon also. They only had to stay for a few more hours, which wasn't awful but Jack would also prefer the comfort of his bed to the chair at his desk. Jack sighs and turns his attention down to the paperwork that's still somehow on his desk. He didn't get much done today, as he spent much of the day either overthinking what idiotic things he could possibly do on the night shift or in the bathroom as he tried to not have a panic attack. He's gotten so far in life with no one finding out about his sexuality and he doesn't need one person ruining that. For all the population of New York needs to know is that he'll probably forever be a womanizer who won't settle down. It won't satisfy his mother who wants grandchild but it's better than being ousted as a queer and being locked up.

The slamming of a door yanks Jack out of his thoughts. He turns around to see a positively fuming Chief Dooley pulling on his jacket as he approaches the exit of the office. Once he reaches the doorway, he turns around to face the two agents, almost identical to what Carter did less than twenty minutes ago. His anger seems to be receding but there's still a vein or two popping out of his forehead and his face is red. 

"Goodnight, Thompson, Sousa" Chief Dooley says curtly.

"Night, Chief" Sousa responds. 

 The chief nods his head before he turns on his heel and exits the office. Almost immediately after Jack and Sousa share a look of slight confusion. 

"What do you think his screaming match on the phone was about?" Sousa asks almost immediately, his eyes lighting up with curiosity. 

"Couldn't tell you. Nothing to do with his wife though, or else he'd still be here" Jack responds with a small chuckle. 

As Jack looks into Sousa's bright brown and happy eyes something simply clicks inside of his brain. His whole life he spent cowering and afraid when it came to falling in love and being in relationships but this man tore down all those walls the first time that they locked eyes. Even if Sousa will never love Jack back, him being his friend and being safe is enough for Jack. Maybe Sousa and Carter will fall in love, settle down, and have children like Jack was supposed to do with some brunette but all that matters to him now is Sousa- no, Daniel - being happy. He looks away from the brunette when tears press against his eyes, sadness washing over him like a tsunami. 

The first, and probably the only person Jack will ever love, never will love him back and he's just going to have to deal with that and be there for him regardless.


End file.
